At best I would gloat and brag of my excellent mental health.? At worst, I could be condescending and downright vicious toward anyone else?s ?supposed? mental instability.?Then one day I?m in therapy, and my therapist suggests, after a straight six months of feeling flat and disinterested, that I could be depressed.
Nope, not me.?I don?t feel sad. I don?t cry under warranted or unwarranted circumstances, I don?t feel suicidal. But I?m so tired and everything pisses me off (I can now relate to anger without enthusiasm). Things that I normally like to do are unappealing and all food tastes bland. I can?t concentrate, can?t remember anything short term and staying in bed is so much more appealing then talking to people. I?m bored with everything and look forward to nothing. Except going home and going to bed, I can?t sleep enough. Booze (that I suddenly can?t stand the taste of) and various non-prescribed chemicals help?temporarily, and then I feel worse.
I?ve dealt with one trauma and stressful situation after another over the past couple of years. My son?s deployment, my husband?s infidelity, a chronic illness and an office move with a transition to a new position that is extremely stressful. Logically I know that any one of these events can trigger an episode of depression, and all of these events inevitably would challenge even the most stoic person. But I still bristle at the diagnosis. I?m embarrassed.
My therapist and the few that know of my recent diagnosis tell me it?s nothing to feel shame about, but I do.?I only started to see a therapist to deal with stress management, some self-esteem issues and?help with some of the residual after effects of?the infidelity. But other than that, it was?I was who condescendingly said that people?used?therapy and?depression?as an?illness, used it?as a crutch, a way to avoid the heavy lifting in life. ?Just look at the sunny side of life and force yourself to move forward and you can make your mind do anything.? I would demand to those who were wallowing in the depths of their depressive episodes. I?ve been trying to tell myself these things, use my special mind powers to overcome, but it hurts every joint in my body to try to force myself to do anything. How can I have this little control over my brain? It?s frighteningly unpredictable and suddenly mysterious. I don?t know who I am as a depressed person. And it?s because of my pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps thinking that I don?t know. It proves again, I?m not the know it all I think that I am.
I really have been a person who has had pretty even moods my whole life. My sister is the ?unstable? one and I was definitely not like her. (I say haughtily.) However,?it always has had to?be a conscience decision, something I need to convince myself of. ?I?m fine or will be fine, this too shall pass, life isn?t always fair,there are people who have it way worse than you,?snap out of and quit your whining.?? My therapist asks if I?m a happy person, if I?m content. Sure, I say, I have nothing to be unhappy about. But what is happy. I?m not really sure I know what it actually feels like to be happy. Content. For real happy/content, not superficially because of a circumstance, but the kind that?s in your core, that can?t be shaken despite outside influences.
Apparently a combination of therapy and drugs should help. I?m worried about the side effects from the drugs.?I?m told that?even a small dose can offer marked improvement.
My therapist says he wants me to go to a psychiatrist for meds management as opposed to going to my general practitioner. This is proving to be depressing in of itself. Most psychiatric offices that are listed as accepting my HMO want patients to see their in-house therapist. I?m finally getting somewhere with my current therapist, so no, this will not work for me. A good therapist I can connect with?is hard to find. And even though mine?has an obsessive love for Seinfeld, and often asks WWLDD (yup, what would Larry David do),?I?trust and like?him. Many of the psychiatrists that are listed will no longer?take my BlueCross BlueShield plan, which partners with Magellan for mental health care. It?s a money thing. Some just flat out don?t call back.
I call during work hours to find a psychiatrist and finally I have found one. The person making my appointment asks why I need to see the doctor. I?tell a half truth (lie)?and say I have anxiety. Curiously, I don?t want to tell this person who talks to depressed people all day of my condition and I especially don?t want to share it with my nosy cubical neighbor.
My appointment is December 11th. Yep, two months from now. It?s the best I can get, so I?ll take it. Good thing I?m not in crisis. Actually, if I were, I would be able to get help sooner.
So why is depression still, in this day where there is so much information available about it, thought of as a condition to be embarrassed about. After all, it?s not shameful to have diabetes or arthritis. I suppose for me it?s a weakness. It proves that I?m not a strong person; I?m too weak mentally to control my emotional state of mind. Society tends to treat depression as a failure of the mind and a personal weakness as well, instead of the physical ailment that it is. How many times has someone said to you, ?Everyone gets a case of the blues sometimes, life is hard for us all or if you force yourself to smile on the outside, then you will begin to smile on the inside!? Yet about one in ten Americans are on an antidepressant.
Eventually I?m sure I will wrap my head around it. Maybe when I start feeling better?
I do hope that by sharing my experience, I will discover that I am not alone and maybe someone else will feel less alone as well. Which obviously I know I?m not, but it just feels so isolating and lonely. I have another motive as well. I?m?hoping that?you, the world-wide web?will offer me a better understanding of what depression is and isn?t, in a way that rids me of the constant doubts in my mind.
At one time, not so long ago, reading this site was one of my favorite things. I enjoyed people, good food and a bold red wine. A good book and the right song could lift me to the heavens. None of these things carry much interest to me these days and the energy I do have is used to mindlessly channel surf. So, I am lastly, and most importantly, hopeful that I?ll return to my old self. No scratch that. I?m hopeful I will return to me, but a me who has a peaceful mind and a contentment within.
Image: Flickr
Source: http://crasstalk.com/2012/10/coming-to-terms-with-depression/
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